First off, thank you so much for all of the love, prayers, and support you offered me when I shared part one of this post back in May. I wish I could’ve responded to all of the comments and messages but I couldn’t wrap my head around that at the time. You all helped me more than you know.
It’s crazy to see that it’s been four months since I published that post. I reread it just now and all of those emotions are still so real, yet I’m rejoicing that I’ve been freed from them, at that deep level anyway. It makes me smile just to be able to type that I am overcoming postpartum depression and anxiety. I truly did not think I would ever be able to say that. It’s a little scary to think back and to remember what a dark place I was in but also so great to see how far I’ve come.
I ended my last post with me calling my doctor for a prescription for anti-depressants. I met with him a few times over the past few months and he helped me so much. I am so thankful for him and for the medication available, as well as for the friends that urged me to get help. I hesitated to take something, mostly because of the stigma surrounding mental illness, I think. I would ask myself…is this even real? Do I really need medication for my “mind”? I don’t look sick. I’ll pull out of it. It’s not that bad.
Yes, it is real, yes, I was sick, and, yes, it was that bad. I mean, I wouldn’t have classified myself as suicidal but there were times when I just wanted it all to be over to get some relief. I was desperate for an ‘out’. Thankfully, that ‘out’ came through healing. When I spoke to my friend a few months ago who was also struggling with PPD, she was at a point where she was having more good days than bad days. That seemed unobtainable back then but I’ve reached that point too. I’ve struggled with anxiety for many, many years and I can honestly say that I’ve never felt better. There is so much freedom in feeling “normal”! I had a moment a while ago when I thought, “wow, this must be what normal feels like” and it actually made me cry because I just felt free. A mighty weight had lifted and it was an incredible feeling, and still is.
Sure, there are still tough days as a mom and wife…there always will be. But I can enjoy my kids and husband now. I’m cleaning up my diet and exercising more often. I’m interested in my hobbies again and building stronger relationships with new (and old) friends. My ability to enjoy life has been restored.
I’m overcoming postpartum depression. Thank you, Jesus!